Fake it till you make it, right!?

" Fake it till you make it!" is what I always tell myself when I am having a bad day, week, month, etc. and it usually works great for me. I put a smile on my face and pretend like nothing is bothering me, until that actually becomes the case. I'm not going to lie, the last couple of weeks have been rough on me, and not because something huge and horrible happened, but because I was (and still kind of am) in a funk that I couldn't snap out of it. Multiple times I thought about writing a blog post and letting the word vomit flow out, but I didn't think anyone would want to hear about my petty and unimportant issues, so I decided against it. However, it hit me the other day, that not writing a post is counter-productive to what this whole blog stands for. I started this to push myself to be more open and transparent, and I guess that means even when I don't have something inspirational or encouraging to say. So, here goes nothing...

Feel free to click the exit button now. No hard feelings. 

Statistics say that roughly 91% of all women struggle with some sort of body image issue and I am no exclusion. Anyone who knows me, knows that the reflection I see in the mirror is no where close to what I actually look like. I have such a distorted view of myself, so much so, that when people compliment me, I sometimes wonder if they are just blowing smoke, because I have no idea how they could actually think I'm "pretty, beautiful, gorgeous, stunning, etc." My body image issues and low self-esteem is something I have struggled with for as long as I can remember. However, since starting this journey of becoming the best me possible, I have had less "bad days" and more "good days." I'm starting to find what I do like about myself (inside and out), but the "bad days" are still there and they affect me more than the "good days". The last couple of weeks have been a "bad day" for me. I've been feeling like I work my butt off for very little result, and that no matter how much I change my body, I still won't be happy with myself. I let the way I see myself physically affect the way I see myself as a person. In some distorted way, I've always thought that being skinny and pretty would automatically make me loved and wanted by others. I have equated outward appearance with my worth. I've often caught myself thinking,  "it doesn't matter if I am a loving, funny, smart, giving, and down-to-earth person. All that matters is the way I look. That is all people, especially men, care about." 

The flood of negative thoughts are completely detrimental to any positive progress I have made on my self-image. Satan is trying to bring me down, and you know what, it is working. I can't see that I have already lost 30lbs and have gained a new healthy lifestyle. All I can see is that I am nowhere near my goal, and it seems completely impossible to reach. It is in moments like this, when it is so important to remember that I have a God who is more powerful than the enemy could ever fathom to be. Slowly, and day by day, God is bringing me out of the darkness and showing me that I am worthy, wonderful, and BEAUTIFUL. I may not be society's or some man's standard of beautiful, but I AM GOD'S STANDARD of beautiful. 

" I praise You, because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. " 

Psalms 139:14 (NIV) 

God has made me [and you] in His image, and how dare I criticize His work. He placed every hair, freckle, muscle, vein, blood cell, etc. with the utmost precision and design. He created ME!! He thought I was worthy enough to bring me into existence and mold me into the woman I am today. A woman who is striving to be a better version of herself [physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually], and I am sure as hell not going to let the enemy defeat me. I am going to let God pick me up of the ground, dust myself off, and keep trucking along! I AM WORTH IT. I am worth feeling beautiful and amazing... and with God's help, I WILL get there! 

Things not to say...

Things you should never say to a person who is trying to get healthy: 

1. "You're going to be so pretty once you lose the weight." Thanks? Does that mean you don't think I'm pretty now? 

2. "Are you sure you want to eat that? I thought you were on a diet." Yes, I'm sure! AND I'm not on diet, I'm changing my lifestyle. I don't have to totally deprive myself of everything I enjoy. It's all about moderation. 

3. "I just hope you don't get all conceited once you're skinny." Why on earth do you think I'll become conceited and egotistical once I'm down to my goal weight!? I'll still be ME, just a better and more confident version of me. Who I am at my core WILL NOT change. 

4. "Now I'm going to have to compete with you too." I'm competing with no one other than myself. We shouldn't have to compete. We should encourage and lift each other up, because there are enough people out there (especially the media) who want to tear us down and tell us we aren't good enough. 

5. "Once you are able to workout harder I'm sure the weight will start to fly off." I'm pretty sure I'm working my ass off right now. Just because I can't do what you can right now doesn't mean I'm not giving it my all!! 

6. "Your injuries are due to all the extra weight you have been carrying around." You don't think I already know that!? I don't need you to tell me that. I am aware of my situation, hence why I am taking control of my life and making changes. 

7. " That is a really big goal!" YES IT IS!! But I will stop at nothing to achieve it! I am worth it, and I'm not going to let anyone tell me I can't do it. Doubt me, I love proving people wrong. 

** These are all things that have been said to me since starting my journey, and while I laugh and joke about them now, it really is not okay to criticize someone who is making a conscious and hard effort to be better. Be aware of what comes out of your mouth, and make a strong effort to encourage and build others up! A kind word can make someone's day, so who's day are you going to make today!?

It will be worth it.

So, this is not an easy subject for me to talk about... but I figure it might be somewhat therapeutic for me to talk about the thing I hate to discuss most... Me. 

As some of you know, I started a journey back in January to become the best me possible. By this, I mean, I am trying to better myself, not only physically, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually. For as long as I can remember, I have had terrible self-esteem, and all due to my outward apperance. I've never felt comfortable or beautiful in my own body. Always coveting other woman's traits. I'm now trying to find the amazing and beautiful attributes I possess and become a woman comfortable in her own skin. 

Part one of this journey is learning and implementing a healthy lifestyle. The last 4 months have been some of the hardest, yet most rewarding, months of my life. I have begun to learn what it means to eat healthy (yet still deliciously) and live an active lifestyle. If someone were to tell me a year ago that I would start to crave healthy food instead of junk, and that I would enjoy going to the gym and working out, I would have told them they were crazy. No one likes that stuff!! Well, I was wrong. Doing both makes my body feel alert and healthy. Now, I'm not gonna blow smoke and say that it's always easy to choose the healthy option, because it's not. Some days, I just really want a cheeseburger, and you know what!? That's okay. It's okay to have a splurge every once in a while, as long as you see it as just that, a once in a while splurge. 
Since implementing my new lifestyle, I have lost 27.5lbs and counting and I couldn't be more excited. Not many people know this, but I have a condition called Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome, and along with lots of other horrible side effects, it also makes it extremely difficult to lose weight, but I'm not going to let that stop me! By becoming a healthier version of me, I am adding years to my life. Years that I can spend with my family, friends, future husband, and kids. 

Part two of this journey is believing in the person God made me to be. He made me to be a strong, stubborn, loving, giving, sarcastic, goofy, and emphatic person, and I want to start living up to my full potential. I want to use who I am to further His Kingdom and to encourage and lift others up. I want to be the person who radiates His love through everything I do and say. 
I want to be a Proverbs 31:25 woman; 
"She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future." 

Oh man, I know this journey is not going to be an easy one, but it WILL be worth it. I hope you guys are ready to come along on this ride with me. Buckle up, because here we go. :-)

-K 
 Left: At my heaviest in Jan. / Right: A week ago 

His timing is perfect.

As I enter my 26th year, my mind tends to ponder why I have yet to meet "the one", or heck, even have a serious relationship. I immediately begin to think of all my flaws and try to figure out some sort of explanation for it all. However, I've come to realize that there is nothing wrong with me, and it really isn't about me. I want things to happen in my timing and God is just sitting back and laughing at me and saying, " my silly child, don't you think that I know what is best for you? I will give you your heart's desires, but in MY time, not YOURS."
Why is it that we are so set on making our own destiny and taking matters into our own hands, when we have a God who knows far better than we do? God has my "perfect" man picked out, and he is just waiting on the right time to give him to me. Maybe this guy is in my life already, or maybe I've never met him before. Either way, God will bring us together when we are both ready.