Goodbye to what could have been

I wanted so badly for it to work.
For you to see that I'm the one for you.
The one who will love you, cherish you, take care of you, support you, and never leave you.
You've let your past harden you heart and you've built a wall a mile high.
No amount of strength, patience, and perserverance can break it down.
I've tried being patient, but it's time to let you go.
Time to realize that you can't love me the way I deserve.
I have to stop giving so much to get so little in return.
Most days, I question whether you care at all.
I've never met someone who can make me feel on top of the world one moment, and so small the next.
That's not the way it's suppossed to be.
I don't think that's the way it works.
I should give you butterflies when I look at you, and make your stomach knot up when I smile.
You're suppossed to want to be around me at all times, and when I'm gone, your body aches for me to be near.
Maybe that's just me.
Silly me, falling for a boy who can never love me in return.
So, this is goodbye to the hopes of you ever letting me in.
I can't, and won't, push myself into a place where I'm not wanted.
You've made that very clear.
So, goodbye to all those little moments that have kept my hope alive.
That little flicker of hope must be extinguished.
Goodbye to what could have been.

#peoplepleaserproblems

I would like to consider myself a fairly laid-back person. I would also like to think that I forgive easy, and a lot of the time, give people way too many chances. While, I believe in being a forgiving person, there comes a point, when you just become the person people walk on, because they know they can do you wrong and you'll forgive them later. Where do you draw the line? When do you say enough is enough?
Making other people happy makes me happy. Yes, I am fully aware of how cheesy and naive that sounds, but it's true. I am a people-pleaser. 100%. I will put other people's needs and wants ahead of my own, just to make them happy. I will give and give with no expectations, other than a reciprocated friendship, and I'm okay with that, because that's how I show people I care about them. I'm not good with words, so I let my actions speak for me. However, I've come to the realization that I have become some people's doormat. I've hit my breaking point.
Now, before I go on any further, let it be known that I am blessed with amazing friends and family. Most of whom would do anything for me. This only pertains to a select few. I'm also not here to put anyone on "blast". In fact, I doubt they will even read this. This is merely a "vent session" as my friends and I like to call it.
Okay, now that I've gotten that out there, I can get back on topic. If ya'll don't mind, I'm going to use this next section as a letter to them, because let's be honest, I will probably never say anything about it, because I don't want to upset anyone. Yeah yeah, go ahead and call me a pushover or a Sally now, get it out of your system. :-P

Here goes nothing:
"I'm beginning to think you don't care at all. It only hurts because I care more than you could ever know. Making sure you are okay and happy isn't something I feel forced to do, it's something I want to do, because you mean the world to me. But, I HAVE to be done. I have to stop giving so much of my heart, time, and money, because I'm afraid I am going to lose myself in the process. All I ever wanted from you was a mutual and reciprocated friendship, but I'm aware now that you can't give me that. So, this is it. I have to walk away, not because I don't care, but because I care too much. I truly wish you nothing but the best, and I will always be here for you, but for now, I have back away."

With all that said, I will always be me. I will always be the girl who likes to give unexpected gifts, volunteer my time, treat people to dinner, drop anything for a friend in need, and care way more than my words will ever say. I like being the friend people know they can count on for anything, even if, at times, it comes at my own expense. However, the line has to be drawn somewhere, and today I am picking up my rock and drawing a line in the sand.

Want to play a game?

I thought I had escaped you for good.
Your face no longer flashes across my mind when I walk to my car alone.
The bruises are a distant memory.
Your degrating and insulting words have lost their sting.
I thought I was free.
I was wrong.

Your name and face popped up next to the "confirm" or "delete request" tabs.
My heart sank, my breath haulted, and once again you had control over me.
That night came rushing back.
The fear overcame me.
Every moment became unbearably real.

After the shock wore off, I regained my breath and remembered my strength.
I'm not fragile and I don't break easy.
I'm not running this time.
You want to play a game?
Game on.

I promise you, you'll lose.
I'm in charge.
You don't get to be in control.
I win the game this time.

What wins?

At what point does a person's heart and personality matter more than what they look like?

I've been having quite a few conversations lately about this subject matter, so I thought I would weigh in and give you my thoughts. Whether you want them or not.

Before you read any further, write down (or think of) a list of "must haves" when it comes to your spouse. How many of those "must haves" are based on a person's appearance? Now, how many are based on their character and personality? Did you list a preference for almost every physical attribute? EX: must have brunette hair, blue eyes, straight teeth, muscular build, abs, hair on their chest, etc... OR does your list look a little more like this: Must be able to make me laugh, love the outdoors, be a family man, humble, caring, giving, etc. Maybe your list is a combination of both, as I would guess is the case for the majority of you.

Here is my question for you though, based on the list you made, what attributes would you be willing to give up in order to find "the one"? This is just my opinion, but I would definitely let go of what I thought I wanted my spouse to look like, as opposed to who they are and what they value. Are you the same way? Or do you care a lot more about the way someone looks?

I'm not here to put anyone down for what they value when it comes to finding a significant other, however, I do think society and the media has put such a high value on a person's appearance, that we have forgotten to look a person's heart. Having a preference or a "type" is fine, but if it becomes the most important thing to you, then you have it all wrong. I hate to break it to you, but you can't grow old with someone's looks, you can, however, grow old with their heart and soul. Your spouse's looks are going to change, for better and worse, over the course of your marriage, but who they are will always remain the same.

Have you ever had a situation when you weren't particularly attracted to someone at first, but after spending time with them and getting to know them, they become so attractive in your eyes? I know I have. In fact, it has happened a couple of times. I was so wildly attracted to their heart and personality that their outward appearance became stunning to me as well. I truly believe that your attraction to someone can grow as you get to know them.

Is your checklist of what you are looking for in a spouse hindering you from finding "the one"? In some cases, I would venture to say it is. People have bought into what society is telling them. You must "look good" with your significant other and you must, first and foremost, be attracted to them. First of all, what is this crap about "looking good" with someone? I don't care if anyone else thinks my spouse and I " look good" together as long as we are attracted to and love one another. Now, don't get me wrong, I do believe there needs to be that level of attraction between the two people, whether it is established at first glance, or later down the line, but, how many of you have turned someone down strictly because they aren't your "type"? If you have, I think you are selling yourself short, and limiting your chances in finding the one you are meant to be with.

I encourage you to not hold so tightly to your "type" and open your heart to different kinds of people. You never know, you might be pleasantly surprised. Looks are not what make up who someone is, not matter how hard society and the media try to convince us otherwise.

What do you think? Weigh-in in the comment section below or on facebook. Single and married people alike, I would love your opinion on this matter.

Sometimes you go crazy.

For those of you who know me, you know that I pride myself on being a strong woman. I hate seeming or being "weak." I don't judge others who can be open about their weakness and brokenness, but it's just not something I do well, or openly. I like people to think that I have it all together. Keyword being, "think" that I have it all together. And, as much as it hurts my pride to admit this, I don't have it together. Not even close.  

I hate this blog. I hate that God put it on my heart months ago to be more open with my triumphs and trials. I especially hate that the things that I want to keep private, are the very things God urges me to share with others. I don't want anyone to know that I may have weak moments. I have this fear that people will see me differently, and less than, if I let them see my brokenness. 

Let me say this again, I HATE BEING WEAK, and that is exactly how I feel.  

Why you ask? 

I went crazy. Bat-s*** crazy. Like, complete emotional, mental, and physical breakdown. There for awhile, I thought they were going to put me in a straight jacket and lock me away in a padded room. I was completely happy one day, and then the next all I could do was cry. I started having panic attacks, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, and didn't have the drive or energy to do anything. I found it hard to just function. I joke with my family that I knew things weren't right when "this fatty didn't want to eat." (Now, don't go getting all mad that I called myself a fatty. It's just a joke. I think I can joke about my weight, since I won't be a fatty for much longer) But, in all seriousness, I didn't eat for a week and a half, and that's when I knew I needed to figure out what was going on with me. I knew this was no longer just some stress I was going through. In fact, I usually thrive under stress, but this time it was different. It was something more complex and deeper rooted. 

I swallowed my pride and made a doctors appointment. Long story short, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Me? Depressed? How can that be? I was literally as happy as could be before I went "crazy" one day. It was like a switch went off in my brain demanding that I could no longer be happy. Like I wasn't allowed or something. I don't even know what I am "depressed" about. How can you be depressed and not know what about? It makes no sense to me.

Before all of this, I honestly thought being "diagnosed" with depression was laughable. I thought people who had "depression" were just sad about something and couldn't pull on their big girl panties and get over it. I've had friends and family who have gone through depression, and as much as I tried to understand what they were feeling, I couldn't. I couldn't fathom being so upset about something that it interrupted your daily life. I've been through my fair share of crap in life, and I never once felt the way I do now. I now understand that depression isn't something you can control. You don't decide to have it. I would give it away in a heartbeat. I miss being my normal happy-go-lucky self. I would do anything just to feel the joy I felt before. Depression is like a thief who breaks into your soul and steals away your joy. It can happen in an instance (as it did me). 

Depression/anxiety won't defeat me. I'm stronger than it is. It can temporarily steal my happiness, but it won't win. I have an amazing God who is stronger than anyone or anything. He meets me in my darkness. When I'm too weak to stand, that is when He picks me up and carries me. I choose God. I choose joy. 

It's a daily struggle, but with God's help, I can find joy in the little things again. I can laugh again. I can smile again. It's going to take a while to get back to my "old self", but I know I will get there. I can't give up. I have to keep fighting for my happiness. 

Now, some of you probably still don't understand what I am going through, and that's okay. Before all of this, I didn't even think depression was a real thing, and I definitely had no idea how suddenly and forcefully it can hit. You can never truly understand what someone with depression is going through or feeling, but I'm hoping that this post will enlighten a few people. I'm horribly embarrassed to admit to the world (or the 100 people who read this blog) that I am struggling with this, but if I can encourage or impact just one person's life with this post, than it is totally worth my embarrassment. 

If any of you are going through the same thing, and feel like to you have no one to talk to, please reach out to me. Know that you are not alone. God is always with you, and He will never leave you. We can (and WILL) get through it together. 

Contact info: 

- You can find me on Facebook or email me at Kendra.K.Schneider@gmail.com 

FYI/UPDATE: 

My doctor and I are currently trying to find a depression/anxiety medication to help. I have also scheduled an appointment with a psychologist to try and figure out what is at the root of all of this. This is fixable, and I am doing everything in my power to do so. 

Standards

Ladies (and gentlemen), it’s about time we raise our standards.

I don’t know about many of you, but A LOT of my friends have come to me lately and expressed that they have lost faith in the opposite sex. I've heard things like, “all men are assholes” and “there are no good men left.” While, I have had instances when I whole-heartily agree, I know in my heart that is not the case, and that there are still amazing Godly men out there. Maybe the problem isn't the men who act like douchebags. Maybe it is us. The ones who let them get away with it.

Our society, as a whole, has allowed this “douchebag” mentality to become something that is acceptable. In fact, just the other night, I was talking to a guy about hooking him up on a blind date with one of my friends, and he said, “I don’t know if that is a good idea. I’m a bit of a jerk and a man whore.” While, I appreciate his honesty, I was appalled that he thinks it okay to be that way. He figures if he warns people ahead of time, than he can’t be held accountable for his douche-y actions later. As much as I want to go on a rant about this, I will refrain myself, because this blog isn't about the douchebag men. It’s about raising our standards so that we don’t ever have to date men like that. It’s about learning how to find the “good ones.”

Now, I am definitely no expert when it comes to relationships and love, but I like to think of myself as quite an observant person.  Because of that, I have gained a ton of knowledge, just by watching other people fail (and succeed) in their relationship endeavors. Do you know what I noticed most about all of the failed relationships? It’s simple really. One person (if not both) settled for less than they deserve. A red flag or warning sign was ignored, because they so desperately wanted to be in a relationship and to be loved. As humans, our basic desire is to be loved, so it makes sense as to why people settle in relationships. They get that “love”, even if it is for a short time, before the red flag(s) can no longer be ignored, and everything falls apart. Before I make myself sound like a pessimist when it comes to love, let me explain how I think you can find a good and lasting relationship.

Standards. It all comes down to standards. Not only the standards you have for a partner, but also, for yourself. It is 100% okay to have high standards when it comes to the man (or woman) of your dreams. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not including “preferences” into my term of standards. I actually think a lot more people would find their match, if they were a bit more flexible on their preferences. (Etc. blonde vs. brunette, blue eyes vs. brown eyes, super model vs. average beauty) You get the picture. However, when it comes to your standards, you should be absolutely firm on them. Date only the type of person you could see yourself marrying. Stop messing around with people you know you have no future with. It wastes both of your time.

Expect highly of people, and the ones who are worth it, will rise to the occasion. Those “douchebags” won’t even be a ding on your radar, because you know what you want and what you deserve, and they're definitely not it. However, it’s not really fair to expect a lot from someone else, if you aren't willing to be held to those same standards. Start living your life with high standards and work on becoming the best version of yourself. You owe it to the person you will spend the rest of your life with.

I truly believe that God only brings the “right one” into your life when both parties are ready. So, if both people are consistently working on bettering themselves and their relationship with Christ, then their paths are bound to cross at the right [and divine] moment. Sometimes, this means one person has to wait a little longer for “the one”, because the other isn't quite ready yet. I don’t know about you, but I’m okay with waiting, for however long it takes, for the man of my dreams. (Just as long as I get to have him at some point). He is worth it. He is worth the wait.

So these are my questions for you… Are you willing to hold yourself and the people you date to a high standard? Are you willing to not let the “douchebags” have a place in your life just because you want the temporary “love” they can give you? AND are you willing to wait, for however long it takes, for the one that God created for you?

… I know I am.

Signed,

A 26 year old woman who has never been in a relationship, because my standards are HIGH. 

Instant Gratification

Instant gratification. I want it, and I want it NOW!

"Just wait, it will happen " is one of the most reassuring and frustrating things anyone can say to an impatient person. Frustrating because, well, I'm not patient and I want my instant fix, and reassuring, because I know they are right. I know that eventually everything will work out, but it's the not knowing the timeline of it all that is so hard to accept.

"I just want to be at my goal weight already." Be patient, it will happen. 
"I want to be married to the man of my dreams." Be patient, it will happen. 
"I want to start a family." Be patient, it will happen.
"I want to be able to look in the mirror and love who I see." Be patient, it will happen.
"I want a career that I love and am successful in." Be patient, it will happen.
"I want all of my debt to be paid off." Be patient, it will happen. 
... and the list goes on and on.

The other day I was having a discussion with Amy, and I was moaning and groaning to her how I'm upset that you cant see more of a change in my body with all of my weight loss so far. Like a good friend, she told me to shut up and get over myself. Okay, so not really. However, she did help to put in perspective that I'm not going to have instantaneous result. It took longer than a couple of months to put on the weight, and it will take more than a couple of months to take it off. Even though I know she is right, the impatient side of me just wants to scream! I need to be able to see that the endless amount of hours I put in at the gym, the choosing of an apple over a donut, and my conscious effort to be healthy, isn't in vain.

I want my instant gratification.

It was in my moment of complaining that I realized I needed to change my mindset, not only about my weight loss journey, but about most things in my life. I've always wanted the quick fix, but I think it is time to sit back and enjoy the journey. It's time to celebrate the little victories on the way to my big goals. It's time to let God have control of my life. Every aspect of it. I'm willing to wait for God's plans, because I know His are far better than ones I could ever dream up for myself.

I will wait on God.
In the meantime, I will keep working towards being a better person on the inside and out.
I will get to where I'm meant to be. One day at a time.

"But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." Romans 8:25 (NIV)